Hollywood Booby Trap

Saturday May 6, 2006 in: Female Perspectives Tag(s):

In today's highly opinionated and demographically diverse world, polls and surveys have become as natural as breathing. There's always a poll for just about everything, ranging from the mundane ("Line to a movie you most wish you had said") to the downright silly ("Male celebrity you would most like to slug"). But an online survey got my attention yesterday that I had to put in my two cents' worth. The question: "Who do you think has the best looking breasts in Hollywood?"

I have been a breast man ever since the day my big brother was careless enough to leave a copy of Playboy in the bathroom (What he was doing with it there I absolutely had no idea. Perhaps he enjoyed the "intellectual" articles too much he couldn't put it down while heeding nature's call?). My 12-year-old self picked it up, looked at the pics, and suddenly had this strange and inexplicable craving for milk. I've been hooked since and never looked back. Not on milk, but on those lovely mounds we love to call boobs.

Back to that survey, I see many familiar names: Salma Hayek, Jennifer Connelly, Gwyneth Paltrow are on the list, and so is the barely legal Lindsay Lohan. Even Britney Spears, whose mysterious breasts are often the subject of much speculation, is included in the poll.

I couldn't help but notice that the women in the list have varying sizes. Gwyneth is an A-cup or a B-cup at the most; Salma and Jennifer are most definitely in the C to D cup range. Does this mean that people have already outgrown that "big boobs are the best boobs" mentality and realized that size, for female breasts at least, doesn't really matter?

For me, perky breasts are the best breasts. It doesn't whether they're big or small, natural or a result of breast implants. After all, celebrities, breast implants and plastic surgery have always gone hand in hand.

Conversely, sagging breasts turn me off. I know it's a bit immature, since female breasts are bound to surrender to gravity as their owners age, just like Mimi Rogers' did. However, there are exceptions. Watch Diane Keaton in Something's Gotta Give and you'll see what I mean.

As perky Hollywood breasts go, it's funny that none of my top choices are actually from Hollywood. They're not even from the United States. Sure, Jennifer Connelly's jaw-dropping rack has amazed me ever since she wore that white, tight-fitting top and roller-skated inside a shopping mall in Career Opportunities; and the lovely A-cups Gwyneth bared in Shakespeare in Love made me choke on my soda inside the theater; I never expected her to do that in the first place. But as far as I'm concerned, the best breasts in La-La Land belong to two Spaniards: Penelope Cruz and Paz Vega.

Having done more Hollywood movies, Penelope's absolutely gorgeous all-natural knockers have been seen more. On the other hand, not too many people have feasted their eyes on the achingly beautiful Paz Vega, whose only Hollywood movie so far is Spanglish. Her breasts are just too perfect for words. See her in the Spanish-language films Sex and Lucia and The Other Side of the Bed and we'll see if you get that sudden urge to drink milk.