Man In The Mirror

Wednesday January 11, 2006 in: Hair Tag(s):

Everything starts innocently at first.

You wake up in the morning, clean up, eat breakfast and otherwise get ready for what promises to be yet another refreshingly routine day in the office.

Except that as you gaze in your image in the mirror a different man stares back at you and he looks nowhere near the virile, macho man you thought you are.

The man who looks back at you has several pounds of flesh in his gut, droopy, bloodshot eyes and an alarmingly receding hairline that is more closely resembling Elmer Fudd.

You ask how you came to be this creature and some quick theories surface in that pinkish, cobbled organ of yours that we call the brain. Overwork, a hard lifestyle, mounting bills, the nagging girlfriend etc.

Not to mention that annoying sales rep. All these conspired to make you the balding man you see in the mirror. You contemplate on poring over those magazines for baldness cures but pride won't let you do it.

But no matter how you try screaming woman to deny it this image cuts right through your manhood like a knife through the heart.

All together now, with bulging veins and throbbing throat, open wide and scream "AAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!."

Or you can act cool like Keanu Reeves, point your index finger at your reflection, retrieve said finger and stare at it for a few seconds like it had mud or morning wood on it.

Then you gaze back into that image and utter in true Matrix fashion that most profound of human expressions: "Whoa."

Whatever your reaction is you can't change that image in the mirror---unless of course, like the Matrix, it's just an illusion built by those damn Machines to destroy your hopes of social and economic success.

Whoa. Then you rub your eyes and find out it's no illusion. So what to do, what to do?

You can buy clothes that make you look thin, wear sunglasses even at night and say you're a bit tired and people, especially your dates, may not see through your camouflage.

But hair is a different matter. Too much covering up can make people suspicious and in this era of 9/11 the slightest change in appearance may lead some to think you're a terrorist.

So how does one hide that receding hairline aside from hats and tacky wigs? Here's an advice or two from the so-called experts:

goatee Either undergo hair replacement surgery or shave off whatever hair you have completely for that clean, military type look.

That way the girls would dig it and think you're either going for that dignified Patrick Stewart or that macho Vin Diesel look.

Grow a mustache or goatee so people would look at your face first instead of your hair.

Be careful though; too much face hair can make you look like you're trying too hard to be a Backstreet boy.

In that case add tattoos to your arsenal. Finally use hair products that are DHT (dihydrotesterone) inhibitors.

DHT is a chemical responsible for the formation of male characteristics and DHT products are safe to use with hair growth drugs like Propecia and Rogaine.

Signing off for now...