Wardrobe Malfunctions

• Saturday April 8, 2006 in: Today's Business Attire Tag(s):

  With the moves of a jungle cat, you prowl the dance club you're at for prey-one willing to go home with you and do the jiggy. Then, from the sea of faces and bodies gyrating to the rather gay techno beat, you spot one hot babe dancing all by herself.

  Looking a lot like someone fresh out of the pages of GQ, you're confident you're gonna get lucky tonight. Cool as a clam, you stride over to that girl, flash your perfect set of pearly whites, and unleash the wittiest pickup line in your arsenal of witty pickup lines. She checks you out and smiles the sweetest smile. She's in the bag, you say to yourself. Then she leans over, puts her mouth next to your left ear and shouts over the blaring music:

  "Your fly's open".

  You look down and, surely enough, you see your polka-dot boxers peeking through the unfastened front of your pants. You try to zip yourself up, but couldn't seem to find the zipper slider.

  Now you can kiss your lucky night goodbye.

  You just fell victim to a wardrobe malfunction, and no one's safe from it. You could be the greatest-looking guy in the world and still fall flat on your face when your designer jeans rip at the butt while bowling with your date. A perfect 300 game won't save you from embarrassment should this happen to you.

  Celebrity wardrobe malfunctions are also all over the place, although most seem to happen to female celebs (thankfully!). There's French actress Sophie Marceau, whose dress gave her the slip during the Cannes Film Festival last year. And who could ever forget the infamous Superbowl incident involving my-balls-were-cut-off-that's-why-I-sing-like-a-girl Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson? I think that was intentional hype though.

  Worse, a malfunctioning wardrobe could land you in jail. Check out this old news story about a guy in Florida who got arrested for exposing himself. He blamed a hole in his pants for the whole thing. Poor guy.

  The Internet may be cluttered with tips on how to avoid a wardrobe malfunction. But the truth is, there's no such thing. A wardrobe malfunction is essentially an accident, and accidents do happen. If it's bound to happen to you, then no amount of adhesives, double stitches, or supposedly strong fabric could stop that. The best you can do is take the embarrassment like a man, head for the quickest exit possible, and save whatever dignity you have left. Or you can try the "grace under pressure" tack and stick around despite your fly being open for business. Who knows, some girls might find that attractive, and you just might get lucky.